Another update from the Jungle…..
It’s December and Adele is planning the company’s holiday party again. It’s one of her least favorite duties in the whole year. The company is a manufacturer. During the Great Recession, the company clawed its way back to profitability by finding new markets and replacing a quarter of the employees with industrial robots.
The original workforce consisted of individuals who abandoned school at the earliest opportunity and who disappear for a week each year when hunting season opens. They remain skeptical of the company’s promise to not replace them with a robot. Supplementing this group is a handful of IT geeks who program the computerized robots. Adele long ago decided that it is impossible to plan a holiday party to suit both groups.
When Adele joined the company, she discovered that the company’s owner, Emmitt, stocked the break room with gallons of cheap booze and handed out gift cards for a turkey or ham at the local chain grocery store. Adele spent years trying to improve the quality of the holiday party only to see it all go horribly wrong two years ago. She still shudders when she remembers.
Hearing strange noises from the plant manager’s office, she and Emmitt went to investigate. Opening the door, they found the plant manager and Emmitt’s wife enjoying a much more private party. Emmitt leaped into the room, clearly intent on murdering someone. Adele tripped him, allowing the plant manager to grab his pants and run for his life. Emmitt’s wife hid behind the desk, shrieking hysterically.
Adele is still in therapy hoping to un-see what she saw. Emmitt is now divorced, a teetotaler, and has gotten religion. Last year, there was no booze and everyone was forced to watch a performance by Emmitt’s daughter’s mime troupe. Adele circulated through the room discreetly urging co-workers to remember that one of the teen-aged mimes was closely related to the guy signing their weekly paycheck.
What are some options available to Adele this year?
- She can give up on the holiday party and suggest they give a paid day off to everyone so they can party on their own.
- She can make reservations at a local entertainment facility for workers and their families and set a drinks limit.
- She can use all her accrued leave to take a long sea voyage until January.
Companies are becoming more creative with their holiday activities, opting for entertainment packages like laser tag or themed parties and volunteering at local non-profits. Whatever your company does, enjoy the holiday season.
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Craig decided he couldn’t face another office party with the same old cheese log and Ritz crackers and Dirty Santa game. So he told Helen, the HR manager, that he made an executive decision as the company owner to try a different sort of party. 
At the first distillery, AJ disappears. Helen eventually finds him out back of the building sharing a hand-rolled cigarette with a distillery employee. AJ says the employee is his cousin. Helen drags him back to the tour to sample the whiskey. Craig buys four bottles.
Helen makes an executive decision to cancel the remainder of the tour. She herds everyone back to the bus. Lenny is singing obscene sea shanties. Helen makes a mental note to ask IT to audit his internet activity so she can find out what Lenny’s really been doing at work. 
Once upon a time, an inexperienced HR Manager named Katie suggested to the company owner Phil that they have a Halloween party. Phil remembered past office parties and hesitated to risk the company’s liability insurance premiums on another such event. It’ll boost morale, assured Katie, and so, Phil said yes.
Katie says she’ll think about it and shoos Misty away. Katie slumps at her desk wondering whether the EEOC considers white witches a protected religious group. While she’s cogitating on religious freedom in the workplace, Wade shows up. He says office parties are stupid and he won’t participate. If the company wants to boost his morale, he’d prefer cash.
Ray shows up at the party dressed as an Aztec sacrificial victim with a fake heart poking out of his chest, dripping fake blood. Ray doesn’t understand why Moises, a Mexican-American, thinks the costume is culturally insensitive. Katie dashes toward them intent on preventing a fight but rocks to a halt when she catches sight of Alan. Alan had arrived wrapped in a blanket, wearing an Indian war bonnet with psychedelic pink feathers.
Before Katie can indulge in hysterics, she discovers that AJ, the scary guy from IT, has a fetish for knives and marijuana-laced brownies. Since marijuana is now legal in some states, “What’s the big deal?” says AJ, snatching the tray from Katie before she can dispose of the brownies.
After the fiasco of their Thanksgiving dinner, Rudy and Trish decide they will skip a holiday party this year. Even a warlock and a witch need a break. Jerry, the werewolf next door, offers to host a holiday party, but they turn him down. Every surface in Jerry’s house is covered in dog hairs and Trish is a finicky witch who doesn’t like the way the dog hairs stick to her clothing.
hosting a Christmas party for employees. Trish immediately complains to the HR manager that calling it a Christmas party interferes with her religious beliefs as a pagan. She threatens to take concerted action with the other witches to protect her workplace rights.
Trish brings sugar cookies shaped like pentagrams. She’s added a magic spell that increases the eater’s happiness. After eating a cookie, the HR manager smiles benevolently at her coworkers.
rily. As he passes the buffet table, he snatches one of Trish’s cookies and gulps it down in two bites.
HR Compliance Jungle 